Meeting Unfulfilled

Today was the day we set to meet with Papa. Finally, after how many years again? I think the last time I saw him was during my graduation? We went to Tito Erol's buffet. So, it was quite jarring seeing my separated father. You know, the normal hullalabaloo of not growing up with him. He came to our house, quite unexpectedly. Because he told me that his appointment was 2PM but lo and behold, who showed up at 12 in the fucking noon. Kinda like someone I knew before. The house was in disarray, and I wasn't prepared for the sudden intrusion. It also didn't help that my brother and I had to wait for a couple of hours before we had our lunch/dinner. Papa brought my new toys, by the way. Maomao, Frieren, Piplup and a charm for success. Crossed fingers that it really helps me in reaching my goal of going to Japan next year. I know it's a pipe dream at this point. But what can I do, I want to go to Japan. That's another story for another day, Pips. This is gonna be the new theme of my journal entries from this point on. Imagine a 12 year old talking to her diary. Like Miyaki from Breast and Eggs. Which reminds me, I haven't picked up the book again. I should finish it soon. Anyways, I'll be talking to you, Pips, from now on. Why Piplup and not Eevee? Or Rowlett? Well, it's a reminder of an old wound. I think it's better to compartmentalize my feelings into an inanimate object. Because compartmentalizing my feelings to a person never works out well for me. I give them a part of me, a part of my heart. Then when I realize that they don't really understand where I'm coming from - or even provide me with the cold hard truth that I may be a despicable human being that doesn't deserve to live or be happy - it wrecks my entire self-esteem. So, starting today, Pips will be my honorary support. I also realize that it's too difficult to be dumping this onto someone. So, I'm sorry for opening up to all the strangers with memories. I'm sorry for being a burden to all you guys these years, it was unfair of me to provide unneccessary details to everyone. I'm sorry. These are past and unhealed traumas that were never processed in a healthy manner. Back to the day, I was ecstatic to receive new things, Pips. It brought me joy that Papa even thought of buying me something during their trip. And even though that happiness was short-lived, I was still happy regardless.