Stream of Consciousness

     I've been searching for a sense of solitude these past few days or more specifically, two days now. This could be an effect of the bustle and hectic two weeks. But I've thought that I want to slow down everything that's happening around me. 

    Finals week is just around the corner, and I can't wait to finish this semester. I want to move on with my life. I dislike the thought of staying at my university for a prolonged period of time. PUP really did waste my potential to be the best person I could be. Professors burned out my light and love for learning new things, but then again, they would counter that since we're already college students, not everything should be handed on a silver platter. Maybe that's the sad reality of growing up. You're more on learning to be a person to be a part of society, you have to contribute your taxes so that the rich could stay the rich. How I get out of that situation is what I'd like to ask myself. I want to go out of the country and explore new horizons. I've watched some Youtube vloggers that migrating to another country is difficult at first since you'd start everything from scratch. Your friends. Your career. Your entire life. I mean, you could do that as well when you're moving out of town basically. Yet this feels more permanent. You won't have anyone at your back to somehow save you through your tough times. You would be alone. 

    Anyways, that's not what I initially wanted to write about. I wanted to write about how I wanted to put a pause on my life. Because every second I waste is a fleeting moment I could never get back. I remember the other day, I was reading a manhwa about a couple who decided to break up 8 years into their relationship. It was from the man's perspective, and it piqued my interest since you don't see many manhwas from the counterpart's point of view. So, he was having an internal monologue about how he couldn't get over the woman even though it was he who decided to break off their relationship. Well, this is partly because she was cheating on him. Gasp. But yeah, he talked about how he spent his entire youth being in love with her, and now that she's gone, he's no one anymore. He forgot what he was before entering their relationship. I'm not associating myself with the main protagonist or anything. It made me realize how time is a fickle thing when you're occupied doing something else. 

Uhm. I kinda lied. 

    I did associate myself with him - for a bit. Just an afterthought that went, "What would happen to me if bubby decided I'm not enough for him anymore after 5 years into our relationship?" Then it sent me into a spiral of self-doubt. I saw how his mother takes care of him, and I'm afraid I cannot replicate the love she gives him. The love that he deserves and more. And comparing it to my current habits, I feel like I would always be never enough for the people I love. I remember that I wrote something about how I love the people I cherish the most. It just goes on with affirmative responses and physical touches. But going beyond that? Have I really loved a person that they think that they deserve it? I'm not so sure. I'm afraid to ask anyone I know if what I'm truly doing for them is the bare minimum. Maybe I am doing less than the minimum. That could explain why I don't have many friends that seem to be truly happy to be a part of my life or if I'm someone irreplaceable in their lives. The more I realize this, the heavier the motive is to move out and get out. No one truly cares for me anyways. I should just do me, right? I mean, life's too short to be thinking of these trivial things. What am I doing with my life? Maybe I should off myself. 

 YET BUT SO. 

    I still want to live, despite my constant complaints about how hard it is to live. I still have that glimmer of hope or some kind of plot twist to truly change my life in a whole direction. I hate interacting with people anymore. The last lesson I had was with Ate Jean. I told myself that I would stop burning bridges. How could I stop burning bridges when it's them who want nothing to do with me? No one besides Bubby and Bep truly understands me for who I am. It's hard to put expectations on people now. I'd get rose-colored glasses on how our relationship could develop into the type of friendship you see on Friends or how movies give you the happy picture of a good support system. What is my support system anyways? Nothing but promises that I should be living for the people I love. I'm trying to change into a person that could accept their own flaws, and disregard every red flag of mine. Sir Ferrer would really leave a mark on me. That day. For our finals. When others groaned about it, I spoke out of turn for them. And it really hurt me. A bit of me was shattered that day. I never knew what it was, but I felt a change in my perspective on how to speak with superiors. I know that speaking out of turn would be the best reaction, but it made me truly understand that I could still be lacking and this is also done out of respect for a person. I mean, why would I respect you if you insult and degrade other people in the first place. 

Sigh. 

    I should appreciate the people who are willing to endure my personality at the moment. The only group I have in contact more these days are the people from our Valorant GC. It's comprised of Yuri, Ronel, Harvey, Nat, and Dexter. They seem to be the ones who seek out my presence. I guess I could call them friends now? Or this could be a situational type of thing that they like me because I'm the only one who was there and was willing to play with them. I mean, it could go two ways. But still. No one looks at my blog anyways. So I don't have to worry about the incessant anxiety that other people might think of me differently.