Not to Self-Diagnose Myself But...

 I have this small tendency to avert myself from eating and binge recklessly at times. 

I don't know when did this start, but it must have occurred during the pandemic. Probably more so this year? I recall that I made a journal entry about this a while back. Had a small hiccup of anorexia back then. But it's fine now, I guess? Or not? I wouldn't be making this journal entry if I was okay. 

Being thin is actually ingrained into my mind daily. This is because my mother asks me about how she looks. It's fine when it's her complaining about it. Our human bodies are not capable to handle all that elasticity anymore. You're deteriorating, and it's normal. Well, if you were a celebrity, it'd be over and done with whenever you wanted to. But my mother has a more balanced diet than me and my sibling. She eats great food. Just the right amount of meat, carbs, vegetables, and junk foods. She exercises more often than us. I don't even go out of my house even if I really wanted to. The thought of going out and facing the dangers of strangers already annoys me. I only go out of the house whenever I have the energy for it. I'd usually use my bike. Why would I walk when I have a faster means of transportation nowadays? 

I think I'm making excuses for myself. 

To be honest, I don't want to go out because I'm just lazy to find an appropriate attire deemed to be called a part of society. I don't want to go out because I find my energy is wasted on something unnecessary when I could stay in the expanse of my room all day. 

My mother wouldn't want to hear this reason anyways. She would call me foolish and lazy. 

But what can I do? I don't want to get out of my room. I'm like a hikikomori. I think my brother fears I would end up that way as an adult. I know that yadda about how not growing into a better person if I don't go out of my comfort zone. I just wanted to keep this peace a little longer. 

Anyways, back to the journal entry topic. I say this because this year, I often buy our meals at a 'karinderya'. It's cheaper and more convenient to purchase that. In comparison to cooking your own meals, going out to buy spices and the ingredients. I'd prefer the easier way, thank you very much. I would walk a couple of meters away from our house. And this nice lady always asks me if I wanted to buy some pancit from her, which was really sweet of her. Every day, at 7 or 8 AM, I would do that. Like clockwork. 

Knowing my personality, there are 3 things that I can't stand the most:

1. I don't like it when my sleep is interrupted. 

If you wake me up, when I could have still slept soundly, for some stupid reason, or something that makes me wait. I would hate anyone and anything that I ever encounter. I would be a bitter troll with an unruly bedhead. Before you scold me that I could sleep in during afternoons, or when the bustle has died down. I know. I would do that by myself. But I would still curse you to oblivion for waking me up. There's something about sleeping that's so sacred, and must not be bothered. It's different for emergencies, of course. But if you woke me up at an ungodly hour - 6 AM is still night for me ever since the pandemic - then you make me do something I could have done in 5 minutes at a later time. I would be infuriated with you. I don't know how other people don't cherish the time to sleep anymore. Adults have a harder time getting sleep as they are always preoccupied with something else. We are not kids anymore who just sleep whenever we wanted to.

2. I don't like tardiness.

(I had a bit of a difficult time remembering what was the antonym of punctuality. Lels) Growing up and studying at a private school for the former years of my life, I've been taught to value time and how everything I do should be calculated by the minute. I think it was because we had to use a service and they would pick us up from our home. I remember my mom shouting the time, and saying that we were going to be late or that the service will leave us in a heartbeat. It was always a race against time. Not only that but classes in IMC were conducted strictly. I feel like the teachers were pressed if they weren't in their respective classes on the schedule. The latter parts of my life were like a giant stream of consciousness about the time. When I studied at SVNHS, we always had to practice something. The concept of tardiness was new to me. And I abhorred the idea. Then there was this thing called 'public humiliation' when you were late. The teachers would lock the doors to prevent any student from entering the class at all. That's why I didn't linger around the hallways or the canteen when I know the teacher's schedule and personality. It went on until college. Especially this college. When we have practices or group meetings, there's always someone who's thirty or an hour late. They could have their separate reasons and the entire group/class could have started without them and they would just be informed of what transpired. But every person has a role to fulfill, I guess. Not to mention, the professors have weird personalities when it comes to this. When they were late, it would be like a slap on the wrist. However, when we are late, they have to shame us or close the door on us. Like if we could do that to them, we wouldn't even be learning anything at the University at all. 

3. I get burned out by repetitiveness

There's something about predictive behavior that truly gets my knickers in a twist. You have a schedule laid out for you so that you can go on about your day effectively and efficiently. It saves you time and reduces the number of risks or decision-making time if you are prepared beforehand. Sometimes, it fills me with dread because I know what time I am supposed to wake up or get up from my ass. Maybe it must be the anticipation for the action. I don't know. Repetitiveness gets tiring if you do it every day, and no one in your life destroys this cycle. Just to spice up the order of your day. Sometimes, repetitiveness is what keeps me calm. The idea of having a single goal in mind. You won't have to do anything irrational when you know what you're supposed to do, right? It's a double-edged sword for me, I guess.

I think I lost the initial thought of this entry. So I'm just gonna leave you a tidbit of my personality.

Ciao!