Blissful Ignorance

I spent the whole day thinking about my blog's description:

Born out of envy, anger, distrust, insecurities, and words which could have been unsaid. Somehow making my way to replicate pride, joy and love I've seen along the way. Read at your own discretion.

It's a common occurrence to see me as this spiteful and sour person that turns everything she sees and/or touches into coal. This entitled brat always kept saying she deserved more, she should be treated better because she has this massive potential to turn into one of the most influential people the world has ever seen if every whim of hers was catered to. When things wouldn't go her way, she would throw tantrums, and cry at the corner before questioning why every inconvenience was thrown at her lap. And why couldn't she ever catch a break from her misery?

Despite the idea that every person has to go through their own hardships to mold themselves into respectable people in society. 

She always blamed other people for her misfortune while seeking help from said people to prevent her from drowning. She always made risky and immature decisions to gather their attention. An example of this is when she would try to commit suicide just to make them feel bad about themselves for not worrying about her. This went on for years, and the joke had gone stale. No one was buying the bait she laid out. 

Frankly, it was a tiring position to be in. 

All those years I spent being angry at everything - including myself, were lost opportunities. 

As I grew older, I realized how much regret I've been weighing on my back. All the what ifs, what could have been, and should have been. I only recognize my regret right after I stop being a horrendous being. And my regret freezes me into place and allows me to retreat into a small hollow, a recluse from the world. Scared of making the first move outside the comfort zones of my own and of other people. I don't know if this turns me into a coward of all sorts, shying away from prying eyes and disconcerting problems. 

I hated myself for being two separate people. 

In fact, it took me a couple of years to fully accept this attitude of mine. I constantly ranted on about being a living and walking contradiction, and admittedly, this still rings true to this day. However, I'm fine with myself more than ever. It took four years of being in a relationship with Lemuel to further understand my flaws.