A Tad Later

 Why is it always when I'm in a rather depressed state, I go back to my old habits? Creating journal entries, writing on blogs, reading fanfictions, and listening to sad emo punk or rock. A prime example of this is Mayday Parade and Avril Lavigne. It's like I'm resurrecting my 2014 to late 2016 self. I mostly correlate this feeling with this timeline because I know it was the time I was starting to find solace in words, songs, and the experiences of other people. I try to relate these things to somehow find semblance in my everyday life, regardless if it was the worst state one could find themselves in or their best. Thank Chrissa for introducing me to this genre. I honestly could not have imagined a better outcome for my music tastes due to her. 

I mean, there's no harm in all of that. This makes me view the world and my actions retrospectively. I remember that I was trying to replicate this sense of self back in late 2021 when my meds were finally wearing off. Anyways, back to the reason why the title for this entry is what it is. I finally decided to pen down - in this case, type what are my feelings brought by the expected appearance of my almost a decade old best friend. After being separated for almost six years, imagine this, we didn't do any video calls nor we were on calls constantly. I've forgotten what his voice sounded like, I forgot most of his mannerisms. Basically, he's become another person who knew my life at one point. Well, for him, it's the constant downs that happened over the decade. xD 

But the moment I saw him enter the cafe, it was like someone was playing a nasty trick with the time-turner and wound me back to nine years prior. This was the person who held my world at his mercy. He was the one who kept me grounded for most of the volatile moments during my teenage years. The tears, the frantic breathing, the awkward and confusing slashing of wrists. So, it isn't an understatement that I was overwhelmed by his mere presence. 

I know I kept saying this before, but it's so weird how the people you used to be with every day were now familiar strangers in the play we call reality. 

Ahem.

He was everything I didn't expect. How weird it was to be right in front of him, listening to him talk or fumbling with his stuff. I thought I would be happy and comfortable with everything, especially since Niko was with us. But I've forgotten one crucial factor in all of this, I was riddled with anxiety when it comes to facing people again. 

Of course, I can't forget how shaken I was during the last push for Leni's campaign, but that story's for another day. 

I was overly self-conscious of how I would appear to other people. I may call him my best friend, yet you cannot deny how the years made it unsettling to meet one another. Because of that, I had to work my way around both of them. How I won't seem to intrude into their conversations while seemingly being there at the same time. Just as I figured, it was a futile attempt. I was awkward as hell, things could've gone into a better path if I were a certain type of person again. The person in point is my 12th-grade self. Back when I was really out-going, approachable, smart, and just the best of me. Sometimes, I miss her. It was the time the stars truly aligned for me. I was the valedictorian, I met the love of my life, and I made friendships that do not require burning bridges. 

I had my proverbial bricked walls up, protecting me from the onslaught of pain the two could bring to me. I couldn't butt into their conversations because how could I? They were having such a good time talking to each other, and I couldn't take that away from them. So, I did what I always did. I maintained the bridge between two people I know who would completely hit it off without my intervention. As I recall my last meeting with Cent and Lori, I could say that I was that was my sole purpose. The person who nods and agrees completely. I feel like I can be easily forgotten if warranted to be. I'm just another person who blends with the crowd, and when they finally try to get out, they sound so awkward because they are trying hards. I'm not berating other people for the action, but it usually irks me when I try to put myself into that situation. And it annoys the hell out of me. Like people are less pathetic than I am. 

The only time I get to be the life of the party nowadays is when all my inhibitions are thrown away. This happens when I'm intoxicated, and I start speaking in English rather fluently. 

My time with them (in general, time with people) allowed me to reflect on myself more and more. I hate it when that happens. It leaves me in emotional turmoil. I could have been a better person at that point or I could have told them something that made their whole day. Where was that person? I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how people could do that so easily. And it's so easy when the other voice of reason just tells you, "Then have a go at it! People would try to appreciate it more because you were making an effort, instead of sulking at the corner." Yeah, right. And somehow be the person who looks clueless as fuck with what they're saying. Yeah, no, thank you. I mean, I tried. I really tried. I somehow got into the topic of the cheating scenario with Moira when they brought up our mutual friend's then problems. I tried pushing for a different topic, but it wasn't met with a good response. Again, I'm awkward as hell. And it doesn't sit well with me when people actively ignore me. No eye contact, sticking to their phones. Damn it. Now that I remember that scenario it lights a fire within me. Why couldn't you at least stop for a few minutes and just talk to me? The intervention of the phones really put me off. I put my phone in my bag the moment Jansen started to get comfortable at the cafe. I don't know because it really sets me off into a frenzy when you're in the presence of another person, tapos you fumble with your phone. Honestly. I'm not sure of stuff.  

And, if, but, when, so, anyways

I remember that I left a small portion of my burger, I was planning to have it placed in a bag for me when I come home. That's why I left it on the side. I was on the verge of puking the huge-ass burger in my stomach. I remember I can't seem to digest food when I've had enough. But Bep asked me to take a bite then they'll handle the rest. I mean, that was cute and all. It was like he was treating me like another kid at the kindergarten. Oh, and Niko did have some good merits, he held the bag where the stuffed toy was placed, he helped place our utensils and water, and helped me with the surprise with Bep. They were really supportive of me when we played bowling. And man, did I squeal when I made that strike. I remember that it was so loud and high-pitched that people from the other side of Timezone, wooshed their heads towards us. I immediately placed a hand on my mouth when I realized that it was really uncalled for. But I can't help it. It was my first strike! I feel like it would be a core memory if I would ever have the need to summon a Patronus if Voldemort decides to send us a hoard of Dementors. 

The day was long but at the same time, it was not enough to fit in six years of not seeing each other. 

On a side note, while we were reaching the end of our group date, Bubby said he can pick me up if I wanted to. And that perked me up immediately. I remember the happy feeling of seeing my boyfriend. It wasn't like what I felt when I saw Bep or Niko. Those were just nice feelings over the bond we once shared before. Not saying we don't have a bond now, but it wasn't as tight as before? Or not? At this point, I'm clearly doubting myself about how I view my friendships, and I'm scared to face this. So, I'll just tuck this inside Pandora's box. Seeing Bubby was like a sense of relief, happiness, and longing at the same time. When I saw him standing by the side of the mall, I felt the breath I'd been holding when I was with them being released. I let my walls down as I approached my home and comfort. I knew when I saw him, that I was safe. Protected. And I was going to be alright.