Okay? Okay. Okay

 When you're really down in the dumps, you don't need to think about other things. The reason why I can't seem to pour out my thoughts is that my perfectionist side pushes forward and tries to correct my mistakes.

When you really want to die, you think of all the things that went wrong. The thousands of mistakes. The words were said and thrown away so carelessly into the wind. Without thinking, I've grown to hate myself a little more. I keep getting tired of myself.  I don't want to live in my headspace anymore. It's not even a headspace anymore, it's my current thoughts at that moment. This is all because I haven't worked out my triggers, and it's all because of Yuri's scratch. I didn't think of it much throughout the day. I was just there with my cousins. Chatting, and gossiping about the lives of other people as if it didn't bother us one bit. With all the pain I've encountered, the many fail-saves, I'd rather think people who cherished me the most, were numbed to my feelings because in the first place, they couldn't comprehend or empathize with my pain. They wouldn't understand what I'm going through. Even if Bep knows my whole life, he still wouldn't understand the intensity of it. Why am I affected in the first place? What are my thoughts initially?

Am I really okay?

Will I ever be okay?

I mean, I've gone through every single hardship my life has to offer, so why am I still unhappy? Why am I still like this to other people? To myself? I shouldn't let it affect me in the first place. But what hurt me the most is the betrayal of something I could have done, my negligence on everything? Apo lang naman ako, diba? Ano karapatan ko diyan sa mga bagay-bagay? Back then, I was already unstable. Unable to handle my own emotions. I thought I've realized what loss really meant until the death of tito