Three Days Prior

 Ever since my date with myself, I rekindled with my 2013 self. You know, back to reading fanfictions, Tumblr, and just being a good-for-nothing-know-it-all. How I missed that title. 

Anyways, before going to my current routine,  I should further elaborate on what happened with my date. Flashback to three days ago. It all started with me being a complete blubbering mess. 

I was getting fed up again with my brother being all hung up on love. He was still in that love and hate relationship with Ella. This was sparked because he bought her a keyboard which was better than mine. It had Japanese keys. For Christ's sake! Not only that, he had the gall to borrow money from me. I wouldn't do that to mama if I wanted to give Lemuel something. I mean, it's just wrong on so many levels. On that note, I remember that she pestered him on buying a cat. He even went to borrow 10k from his friends. Like. What the actual hell. He also sprained his ankle (up to this day, it still hasn't recovered. Glad that happened to him so that he can't leave me alone again). I had to nurse his ankle for a couple of hours. But yeah, still bitter about it. Like yeah. Fuck you, dude. 

He keeps on talking to her, enjoying his time playing games, being silly and all. I have no qualms with him having that kind of a relationship, especially since both of you have established to be friends for a while. I get the vibe here. But what irks me is, despite all of that, he still has feelings of hatred for the relationship. Maybe not hatred, but dislike, I guess. What do you expect from a toxic and manipulative person? She just knows how to pull his strings. She likes his company when there are no strings attached, yet here we are. He still sees her as a potential prospect, I don't blame him. It just irks me how he's wrapped around her pretty little finger. Tadashi, that's all my take on that relationship so far, I wouldn't want to ruin my night with his love life. 

I was engulfed with anger since that morning, and I was ready to burst into flames around noon. I ended up venting my anger towards Lemuel (still guilty I did that to him, he doesn't deserve that unwanted hatred), afterwards he went with his cousin to Antipolo. To somehow cool down from me, I reckon. Even I noticed I was being too much on him at that time. I know I told him to not talk to me for a while - half of me being petty because he didn't want to talk to me for a while and not invite me to join them; whereas, the other half wanted to be alone for a while. I wanted to get out of the house. 

It was on an impulse, but I managed to doll myself up. It was a bit harder on me 'cos depression just hits and it made me want to stay inside the house. It told me it was too much effort to put on a dress then commute. After a couple of attempts to snap me out of it, I was able to finish the job. It was around 4 when I left the house. I already expected to stay out late. Upon recalling what had transpired that day, I'm a bit embarrassed to somehow type it and crystallize it into immortalization. Let's just say I was a bit out of the sort. I forgot almost all of the social cues. 'Taga-bundok' na, tih. HAHAHA.

I managed to give myself time to think on my own. Following my train of thought was so heavenly. Albeit, I was still reeling from the feeling of loneliness. Probably because whenever I go out, there's always someone there with me. I bought Sanditon by Jane Austen. Actually, when I got home, I was astonished that it was another Jane Austen book. Initially, I decided to purchase it because it was at the far left of the bookshelf, and it had a cute cover. It absolutely slipped my mind to notice who was the author or what was the book's title. Afterward, I went to Krispy Kreme to purchase some doughnuts. 'When the Sky Hangs' by Passionpit was playing around. I instantly thought of Kuya, he was going to be over the moon just by hearing that song playing. But it was almost the end of the song, so I wasn't able to record it for a few seconds. Then went to Starbucks to read the book while savoring my java chip frappucino.

Valerie with a touch of saline air

Then walked around some more. While walking, I was taking some pictures and sending them to mama. 

Valerie wants to end her suffering

She asked me what was my dinner, I replied that I was okay with buying from Mcdonald's or KFC. I wouldn't mind at all. But she wasn't having anything of it. She asked how much money do I have in the bank so I can dine in a fancy restaurant. The closest to me at that time was Wolfgang's Steakhouse. And booooyy. Let me tell you. That place is pricey as hell. I wouldn't repeat that experience again.

I was shaking the whole time while eating my 1400 pesos grilled salmon and my 300 pesos glass of pineapple juice. On a side note, I told Bep about this, and he made fun of me because I was asked him, "What is it?" with an accent. You know how the 't' is silent. He joked that there was something in that salmon.

The meal that you just want to stare at

Back to the story, it was a nice dinner. There were two people behind me talking about marketing. It was a joy to follow through with what they were talking about because it was something about my course. It was something about managers and other minuscule talks. 

After eating, I walked around some more. Figured that was going to be the last time to go out in a long while. But mama promised I would do that again when her next salary comes next month. Again, I contemplated on a lot of things while walking around. Here's what it was:

When you're out of your house, it feels like everything is fine. Like you don't face any financial constraints. And it doesn't haunt you at every step you take. But unknowingly, it still happens.

I compute the remaining balance and try to figure out if I can survive by the end of the month. Even my brother. My good for nothing brother has the gall to support this type of lifestyle. Maybe he deserves it. For everything, he's put in the work for. 

But for me, it's a whole different story. Doing things like this makes me fake a personality. Like I'm not dirt poor. A good-for-nothing person who's just a waste of space. I'm not meant to stay in this personality nor am I welcomed by its counterpart. I'm just adrift in the middle of it all. 

I want to be someone more. 

But at the same time, just enough to relate with my peers.

I don't have something to call my own.

Overall, it was an eventful date. There were still some events left out. But I'll keep them to myself. :>

Peace out