Random thoughts

 Some days, you figured out who you finally are. All is well in the world, and today is the day you're gonna make everything right. But most days, you're left to your own devices while wandering aimlessly. As if I got stuck inside the devil's den and I'm repeating every event that occurred in my life. I get sad, I get enthusiastic. Sometimes, I'm a bit of everything all at once. Despite my ups and downs, I'm happy - for the lack of a better word for it? Maybe I've come to accept that things change unwillingly on their own time. Things and circumstances change gradually that no one would notice it in a single day. I know I keep repeating this mantra, but up until this point in my life,  I'm still unable to catch up with it. 

    To be honest, quarantine is probably one of the best things that happened to me. I know it's kinda privileged for me to say that - seeing as how a lot of lives have been affected. For me, it was a time to get to know myself, whether I liked it or not. There are days where I've come to hate myself. Like if I were another person, I wouldn't want to associate with a short-tempered and narcissistic human being. I'd eventually resenting myself for my actions. Especially when my anger has overridden my actions or when I said something unsettling. Again, this is not something to be surprised about. I've already contemplated what are my weaknesses before I went to the therapist. Still, I'm a walking contradiction. And I'm a piece of work. I've come to accept myself these past few months. Yes, it's normal to be emotional. What can I do? It's a part of nature. It's validated. By being alone (well, not really alone since I still live with my family), I've cherished the activities I made over the past months. I truly know what I'm gonna be in the future. And it's a full-on homebody while splurging my monthly salary on things I'll forget in a couple of weeks. I spent my time playing games, reading mangas and the like, reading DraMione fanfictions, binge-watching Breaking Bad and its spin-off. Honestly, it's better I'd live alone for the rest of my days. Keeping a few friends on the side to see how they're doing because I still truly care about them. However, it's optimal I'd keep my distance from them. We're all on our own paths, our time is done. Our roads will never diverge again. Maybe sometime, somewhere. Until then, I'll be silently looking out for their successes or understanding their failures. There are still times where I think they'd still be there on the daily basis, just like in high school. I guess, I'm really stuck in the past, hence why I always end up disappointing or hurting myself due to my expectations. Oh well, c'est la vie.