Gnawing Feeling

    

 As indicated in the title, we will tackle this gnawing feeling I have since a couple of days. Ever since Lemuel opened my discord account and I had to explain to him why my messages look clean. I explained to him that it was my coping mechanism. I didn't want to remember what happened with Lumi Lounge. It happened gradually, over the course of two days - I think? 

    Back to that day, I noticed that they were sharing pictures of their usual stuff. Like the girls they liked? (I'm looking at you, Bep) and their infatuation with Yu Gi Oh and a bunch of other stuff. I didn't give those things a second thought. It was fairly normal. I don't even have other people to talk to it about anymore nor do I hold any judgment towards their activities. They can just regard me as the casual lurker in their discord server. Yet, I remember the time when Bep told me that there are just things that went on between the guys. And when the time comes if they suddenly remove me from their server, there wouldn't be any bad blood between us. I said okay, it's understandable since I was not a part of their group initially. Like I said, I'm just a lurker among people. 

    Anyway, back to the event. At first, I noticed that the Gaming Lounge voice channel was missing. I initially thought I could have removed it by accident. Then I remembered Discord wasn't like Messenger in any way. The only way that could happen is if the admin of the server decided to put the voice channel to private or they could have removed my permissions of joining any voice channel. I was cool with it, but I had the thought, "Oh, they could have removed the gaming lounge because they don't want to be bothered. Like what I did the other day." (Slight context, I was up all night because of the fucking side effects of the medicine, and I wasn't in a good shape. Mentally and physically. So, I joined the gaming lounge when Brian and Bep were talking. In hopes of just listening in on their conversation. And not being asked by anything in particular. But I guess, I was in need of someone to talk to at that time. Then I ended up opening up with Brian. It was awkward at first since it's been a while I talked to another person, other than the selected few I'm used to. Bep told me that he was gonna leave for work in a few. Then it was just me and Brian. I was glad about the time I spent with him. It's been a while for me. It was refreshing, so to say. It made me sane for a while. I guess that's one of the reasons why I was ecstatic to join their lounge. That I could join them from time to time. Like a wild mushroom.) 

    I couldn't just ask anyone in the lounge - Bep in particular. Because I was just a mushroom. So I held it in. The next day, I wanted to check if the gaming lounge was off-limits for me. To my astonishment, the entire Lumi Lounge was gone. I remembered I looked for it early in the morning and it was still there. I assumed that I have deleted the entire server in my drowsy state. I knacked my brain if I did that the night prior, but that wasn't the case. I do hope that I'm wrong and that Bep didn't kick me from the server. If he did, then my presence was a nuisance after all. I didn't need any confirmation or a statement from them anyways, I don't have the right to it. But it doesn\t mean that the whole ordeal didn't hurt at all. 

    Afterwards, I went back to my little world. I blocked Bep, and there it was. My suspicions have been confirmed. Guess that's it then. Better move on from stuff, or just take a break from everything. There will be better days. Hopefully, this is not the end. Some day, I hope we cross our paths again. See you soon.