7/19/18

Look at how the mighty have fallen.

It wasn't a graceful fall if I might add, if anything, it was an embarrassing fall. One that makes you scrunch your nose in disgust, and look away from the ghastly scene. It was just that bad.

Whatever. I'm not supposed to care. Nor I should.

It was never my business, to begin with.

He's the only antagonist in my life. This pest in the garden. He's like the weeds in your garden that never leaves and it just annoys the hell out of you because no matter what you do it will always still be there.

That's the feeling.

Look at him trying to be independent and all, boohoo. A fifty-year-old man still under the care of his mother, which reminds me, I should limit the money I give to lola. Or maybe not. Let me think about it for a while.

But back to the topic, he would always be the thorn at the back of my head. It's irritating to see how lola still cares for this man. This man who doesn't even know how to take care of himself, yet he splurges his money on petty things. Myghad. It just boils me to the core.

That's why I hate it whenever kuya asks something from me and it could be easily done by him if he just wanted to. Well, we do have different capabilities. I shouldn't ridicule him that much.

What bothers me the most is when lola makes me responsible for his son's horrible behavior. It fucking ticks me off. I should be being understood, not the other way around. He's fucking old for pete's sake.

No matter how hard he denies it, it's fucking transparent that he cannot live well on his own. He needs us to sustain his needs. How funny that he has the time and money for drinks but not for his own survival, such a pity.

That is the kind of adult I abhor.

This has been going on for years. Fucking hell, if you can imagine, cleaning up the mess adults make. It fucking takes the soul out of me.

Now, that I've grown old, the responsibilities keep piling up and I'm supposed to not break even when under pressure.

I just miss those times.

I fucking can't take back what was fucking lost.

I was happy, but things changed when mama had to leave us.

I'm frustrated that I grew old, knowing I have to bear their responsibilities.

I mean, what do they get from telling me all of this?

I don't even have any power nor money to do what is expected.

Tangina.

It made me feel hopeless.

I couldn't do anything about it despite wanting to help out in every way that I should.

A part of me is selfish, rotten, spoiled, insufferable, stubborn, and a lot of useless adjectives. I cannot turn a blind eye to my own personality. I've been doing that for years, and God knows how much I'm trying to change that way.